It's Hoffmass !!!!!

Blah Blah, Blah Blah a Wonderful Blah Blah Blah - Paul McC*ntney

Great, it Xmas..... Hoorah ! I have been reading the "Have Your Say" section of http://www.bbc.co.uk/ where they have a forum about Xmas Whineing !! Now I thought I was a grump but these people are special. I must admit the run up to Xmas is a pain... Sending Cards, trying to find some original presents, knowing the whole time that boxing day most of them will be in the bin...

But Xmas itself is great.. For those of you, like me, who have moved away from home you get to go out on Xmas Eve in your home town and see lots of old faces ! You get to have some time off work, you get to eat & drink loads and personally little baby Jesus doesn't cloud my thoughts at any time !! What is there to dislike ?

Once the God Squad get it into their heads that for 90% of the population Xmas isn't about Jesus or religion the better.. I am sick of them harping on about how the meaning has been lost and how non Christians are hypocrites for celebrating, Why ?? Xmas is a traditional English Celebration, I grew up celebrating it, it is part of my culture, it makes me happy, it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE F*CKING BABY JESUS !!!!

Let's look at the facts

1) Xmas is actually a Pagan festival and Christians just jumped on the band wagon
2) No-one even really knows when the Big JC was born

Anyway, I think we should rename Christmas to "HOFFMAS" and use it to celebrate the joy that the Hoffster brings to all our lives ALL YEAR ROUND !

Reasons the Hoff is Better then Jesus

1) The man single handedly knocked down the Berlin Wall and brought the German People together

2) He has a talking car that can jump over things, drive itself, go really fast, crack any security system and even open doors and jam peoples guns !

3) He ran the best Life Guard Company on the planet... How many people do you know who had Pammy, Carmen Electra and numerous other stunners on their payroll ?

4) His Hair

5) His Appalling Fashion (Jesus may top him on this, jury is still out)

Anyway ........... .Look who's Swung by....


to wish us a Jolly Good Christmas...

... he says we should all pop around....



... and maybe we can get a bit crazy and play some games...

... and afterwards we can go for a spin in his car ....


..so hopefully we'll se y'all there....


... or else...


Merry festives y'all... see you in 2006!

spongybificus laminography

Just adding this in so I can get a GoogleWhack hit off it...

Jean Claude Van DAM Hoff's the Man !

One way to get a Party Hoff to a great start !

Underground Staff

Now I feel sorry for them, they take a lot of stick but then they don't have to work for the underground so I have little sympathy for them... The thing that confuses me is the sheer quantity of them all seemingly standing around chatting ?? It does my head in... Most gates in and out of the stations seem to have 3 or 4 staff just standing there talking about what they watched on TV last night...

Sack a few I say and knock their wages off my Oyster Card which incidently I have now had replaced and it has been working reliably for over 3 days !

In fact Sack them all as there are so many police down there now we could train them to let people through the gates when their cards don't work and keep us updated over the intercom about the latest delays and cancellations !

People on the Waterloo and City

Oh the joys of travelling on the Waterloo and City every day.... This train journey is a simple 5 min jaunt backwards and forwards between Waterloo and Bank, shuttling people into the City for a day of misery in your investment bank of choice.

I am constantly being surprised by how rude people can be... Now I'm a big lad, 6' 4" and in the high teen stones.... I even now, after 4 years of being subjested to tube rudeness still find it hard to recipricate... It just feels wrong barging and elbowing your way through people, completely forgetting any concept of manners or courtesy.

Saying that I regularily get barged out of the way almost to the point of people climbing over you to ram themselves into what is effectively a sardine tin in the hope they will get into the office a few minutes earlier, me...... I ain't that desperate to get to work...

The thing that does really bug me though is when you push back against one of these bargers or do something to slow their progress and the instant Tut you are subjected to... This makes my blood boil.... You were barging mate, don't you f*cking tut me... My wife on more then one occasion has turned her back in embarassment as I have a argument on the train with some old business guy who for some reason can't believe I would dare to question him looking at me like a disresprectful teenager....

I look at them inwardly smiling, thinking to myself that it won't be long before they have a Heart Attack and then it is one less on the Waterloo and City... Never know, another 30 years and I may get a seat !

Unfair Comments

I have noticed that my obsession with The Hoff has lead to some of my so called friends leaving comments suggesting that I may prefer Boys to Girls... Well for the record I am married and for the benefit of Keef Bean of Cornwall a word of advice... Don't accuse you friends of being gay when they have pictures like this of you !

Oyster Cards

Oh I know lets create a great new way for people to get around in london... No more Travel cards will give them all a nice little plastic credit card type thing which they use instead of a travel card, it will be great, they will be able to just open Underground gates but waving their card near a reader...... YEAH RIGHT !!!

I have had nothing but trouble with my card, plash it on the reader, walk forward and you hear that horrible "beep, beep, beep" signalling that it has failed to work again shortly before you walk straight into the unopen gates and hear that low rumble of tutting people behind you !!

"PLEASE SEEK ASSISTANCE" in red writing on the reader ! How familiar....

Decided enough was enough today, time to get a new card.... I went to the Kiosk, queued for 20 mins as is the norm and finally reached the smiling happy face that is London Underground Customer Service !

I expected a simple transfer of the info on my card onto a new card using the wonder of computers but alas, this was not to be the case.... A 4 page form was slid under the screen and I was asked to fill it in and join the back of the new 20 minute queue !! Why do they need to know my address, DOB, sex and Phone numbers again ? Why does it matter who I work for or what regular journeys I make ?? I just want a card that works which I used to have !

Needless to say I politely slid the form back under the screen and told her where I would like her to put it and stormed off...

Funny thing is on the bus to LPS I flashed my card on the reader and it worked ? Mumbled something to the driver about it being a miriacle that it worked, to which he spaked up a conversation... Apparently it turns out that keeping them in your wallet with other cards messes them up ? So my question is this, if that is the case why did they a) Make them a Credit Card style card, perfect for slipping in the wallet and b) WHY THE HELL DON'T THEY TELL YOU NOT TO PUT THEM IN YOUR WALLET !!!!!!!

Where's my shotgun ?

Hoff Friday !!

Jeans for Genes.....

Looking forward to tomorrow's Jeans for Genes Charity event... It means us suits can let our trousers down for a day and wear our jeans... Problem being you can't wear trainers which is a problem for me as I feel shoes and Jeans should not be worn together.. EVER...
Looking forward to see all those old, balding, brief case carrying city w*nkers in their Jeans and brogues though !! HA HA HA

I'm really struggling to be negative at the moment... What is wrong with me ?
I am the guy who can see the negative in everything, the glass is always half empty with me (well normally slightly under half empty !)

Maybe I am not such a miserable bast@rd after all and I should rename my Blog to the "The Daily Joy" or "The Happy Blogger" ??

Nah, bugger that ! I've just given up smoking and am eating like a horse, which is funny as I am the size of an elephant, maybe I will start losing weight soon...

Oh I know something to moan about.... Delivery Men !! Why Oh Why do they always come during the week and put that little note through your door saying "We called today with a package but you were out" Well of course I was out, I WORK !!!

Why are Dentists, Doctors and the such like never open at weekend ?? Don't they realise everyone is at work all week ?

And what is it with people like Cable TV Installers telling you they will be there Wednesday between 8am and 4pm ? Can they really not be any more specific ? I mean honestly ?

Anyway, for want of anything better to moan about I'm off, look on the bright side it is Hoff Friday tomorrow !